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I’m as human as human can be.
I get pissed and upset, I feel sadness and regret. I lie and I cry, and fear when I will die. I look at the past like there’s no tomorrow and I lose hope when the lights fade.
But I live. I strive. I move forward towards the lights. I wake and I eat, I love and I sleep. I care too much and not enough and I wish for everything that I want. I work hard to improve and gain heart when I do. I see the beauty every day brings, hear the noises every sound brings, smell the air all around me, and feel the very earth underneath me. Yes, I’m as human as human can be.
Here we wait, for nothing,
just as nothing waits for us.
Hoping plans unfold before us,
as we blindly choose our path.
Life’s early freedom stolen, to pay for future sorrow.
As fuel for fires of regret,
whose embers burn long into
What life is that worth living,
where truth cannot be known.
A tourtured mind at his own doing,
that simply can’t be shown
the truth that lies before him,
would set his heart at ease.
Trapped in his thoughts of scandal, her actions mean no more
than thoughts that do deceive him?
he can’t be sure.
Would I regret a feeling I decided to feel?
Would I say an early good bye for who I decided to visit?
How embarrassing is to judge your own will.
How painful the scorn and look towards who in the corner sits.
Why so trick my mind and soul would be?
When I just want to unassuming have my life.
I wish you, unlikely me, never have to leave
I just want to speed my heart up,
To sweat, run and one more night keep up.
Up for me, for those who make me move.
For the unfailing and trustworthy love.
That quietly pulse, waiting the approve,
To come out and yell overall and above.
What more hurts is that I can’t speak out, be loud.
I guess who first hear those shouts through my eyes,
Truly friend of me would be called.
To walk step by step is hard,
when in front of you it is not possible to see.
Hey, let me hold your hand?
Let just someone at your side be.
So many thoughts. No words.
There is hearing. But no listening.
So many woes. No tears.
There is self-pity. But no compassion.
So close the edge. No escape.
There are cracks. But no doors.
I am lost
Rows of people
Block my sight
I seem to look without ever finding
I see everything
The hidden looks in front of me
I am in the center
Yet lost in the midst
So many ways to get here
To get out
Mondays are bruised knees
And different genres of pain
Lined up in neat rows
Like the bobby pins I lost. ///
Tuesdays are empty covenants
“Ballet will make you strong”
Tell me again how it is strong
To end the night on the bathroom floor
Scraping my shaking legs with fragmented bobby pins. ///
Wednesdays are bent knees and infinitely shallow plies
I wish my moves were sharp
Like the tip of that bobby pin
I stabbed into my side when I didn’t jump high enough. ///
And at the end of the week
My purple hands scour the floor
Collecting the forgotten bobby pins
Praying the feel of the icy metal against my hands makes me feel like a dancer.
Wounds heal, scars fade
You’ll get over it
It’s what they always say
Their convenient go-to phrase
There, that’ll do the trick
They don’t see
How much it matters
At least, to me
They didn’t know that’s why I got madder
One, two, three, four, five
There, NOW the hurt should be gone
You can survive
Meanwhile, I am looking beyond
That’s enough, they said
Stop your crying and move on
I cried more instead
The tears would not staunch
You don’t feel my pain
You remember your own
And that is not the same
Don’t say anymore, please don’t
You stuck a dam on my cries
I want so badly to burst
But no, you believe my lies
And see only the surface of my smile, so forced
It’s still stinging
I am too substantial; My being wants to perish
I am also, slowly, thinking
Of every little thing I will always cherish
To be free and liberated would be to have no thought
There would be no pain over loves lost that I once sought
No more thinking of sins I cannot undo,
or of the horrible things I did unto you
But I still live in mental chains sometimes,
wishing the rest of the world was blind
I want command of the things I wish to possess
To tell my object of love “Stay with me, undress.”
But still my mind is held captive by my conscience
Flaring up after daydreams about unbound raunches
I want to do bad things without thinking twice,
to do as I wish without considering the price
Why must I be such a present minded person,
Who’s sin causes longing she’s so readily immersed in?
I made sure my skirt was low
I didn’t want him to blame my appearance
For my results
My mother I did not tell
My friends I did not tell
For fear of them being trapped in my well
A white room,
Wait why am I here again?
Oh right, the results of my friend
She’s been sick lately
Her boyfriend, has become aggressive towards her
I hear the rough voice of a boy
Screaming for her to give up her
And change it to him and only him.
Take her father’s last name and
Trash it like how his father trashed his
Sleeping with his best friend’s mother
I’m sorry I forgot, the results.
The doctor comes grey hair
Not giving an inch of sympathy
Telling her I’m sorry
I look at my friend, her eyes have changed
She’s not dead yet, but her eyes have decayed
Then my friend left
All I see is a thirteen year old girl
Staring back at her own reflection
Knowing that she’ll die within a year
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